Tuesday, June 23, 2009

And now back to our regularly scheduled program.

... Never in all my life, would i have thought to utter these words.....

My Indian Maid Has Lost Her Friggn' Mind

I have been blessed to experience the indian novela which is Deepmala.

If you remember, last episode of Deepmala in Da House we heard the story told of The Stone and the Roti.

The Protagonist (Deepmala): A very sweet young indian woman with kidney stones, hums love songs as she diligently cooks and cleans. The geckos sing back up.

The Bad Guy (mio): The spoiled and privileged american girl embarrassed to have help - but still manages to gchat and sip guava juice as the maid scrubs her floor.

Over time, Deepmala's story has strangely morphed from a tear jerker - to a made for tv mystery of Emmy winning proportions.

Deepmala is a lovely lady. However, out of my life's quirky characters she is one of the strangest anomalies i have ever come across. she is not the best maid, nor the best cook. She has difficulty remembering, always has an excuse why she can't come to work- but still asks for a raise, misplaces things constantly [i.e. lost her salary (like all of it)], and has a history of playing the sympathy card of to collect donations. For me, trying to rationalize her thought process evokes the feeling of the first time I attempted to sit in one of those chairs. the kind where you aren't really sure where the arse goes. its confusing. its awkward. its frustrating. its a bunch of little 'Now how the hell is this a good idea?' moments all strung together. She is just flaky as all hell. But- eh- what can i say, 4:30 - 7:30 m-s we are hooked.

Lately, we have been lucky. This season, episodes of Deepmala have in no way disappointed its fans. Her character has progressed from a one dimensional young lady - to a woman filled with attitude, bossiness, sass, and secrecy. Maybe because i am paying closer attention, maybe she is just getting comfortable with us - and this is the REAL deal (OOOOOOHHHH GOOD plot twist!) Either way, I am happy to report, she has now began yelling when she is displeased. It 1st happened the other day. After arriving 2 hours late, she became angry at the site of the mango peel i left in the sink. She was pissed because i was an idiot and cut off too much of the meat of the fruit along with the skin...so i got a scolding. anna got chastised when the bread and eggs went bad while we were out of town for a couple days..so she got an ear full as well. i understand this is a bit wasteful - but the reality is - things go bad. specialy when they don't have preservatives in them. lately she will randomly start going off in hindi - yelling about a bucket - or there is no water - or its hot outside. aren't these normal idocyncracies of india? isn't it no big secret it is a zillion degrees out, and the power has gone off for the 5th time today? its quite the treat to witness! I will quickly continue so that you may see for yourself what kind of craziness we got a brewin' in lucknow.....

Bluntly put, Deepmala is weird and does a lot of weird shit. you can quote me on that. i feel the most enjoyable part is she believes no one knows how weird she is - like she has created some alternate universe of 'normal' where she keeps her quarkiness a secret. she is the worst closet weirdo on record. one of the oddities that is Deepmala, which i have grown to accept, is watching her do the dishes. She randomly THROWS cans and bottles up into a little shelf in the kitchen wall - hinding them from plain view. It goes a little somethin' like this:

wash wash wash hummmmingtomyself hummm hummmmmmmingggggggg CHUCK with the left hand!!!!hummmmminggggggsomehindilovesonnnnng hmmmmwashhhh hmmm THROW THROW right hand! twitter twitter rinse rinse chiiiiirrrrp chirrrrp hmmmmmmm wash wash wash hummmmhmhmmmm TOSS!!

the first time i saw her do it, we thought we were watching some sketch from snl. its incredible. instead of taking these things out with the trash, she has taken to chucking them up to the shelf - making a little garbage collection. ?????????? ok. i thought to myself , that is kind of strange. yeah, but this is part Deepmala's appeal. its why we watch.

*why are there bags of snuff poorly hidden in my windowsill? ok. that's just Deepmala.
*why am i missing shampoo? Deepmala is secretly using it.
*how did watermelon rinds and seeds suddenly appear all over my bathroom? was it the watermelon fairy? No, Deepmala just decided to eat watermelon in the bathroom. thats all.

Our little made for tv mystery has all the all the necessary makings for prime time success. You would request it on InDemand. You would put it up on youtube.

All of this was in good indian fun. i could deal. i love a good laugh. Until, last night. OHHHH last night pushed me to the edge.

Please let me repeat:

... never in all my life would i have thought to utter these words....

My Indian Maid Has Lost Her Friggn' Mind

Athena was cleaning up the kitchen, and decided to collect the pizza box from the top of the kitchen shelf.....and this is what she found.....

And naturally, as i FUMED in disgust, anna and athena had a laugh throwing it all away.

its official. this whole country - even the maid - is trying to kill me.

One this is for sure, you are going to want this shit to be syndicated.

Tune in next week as the saga continues!


  1. She's gotta go...you don't need to be breathing mold spores. Tell her your mother said so.

  2. That is the funniest thing I have read this year...from the Shampoo, the watermelon seeds to the maid's cleaning style...Clever!!!!


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