Tuesday, August 4, 2009

i smell the end.

Before I left Seattle, i had the most vivid dream.

I was in India atop a huge sand dune, no civilization in sight, screaming at the top of my lungs into the desert sun. It reminded me of a silent scene from Babel. Soundless yet palpable. I stood in the sand, howling, punching, blaring my anger at the world. My throat, long black chow mein hair, and dad's red loose C&K t-shirt from the 70s, being sliced through by the gritty wind. The harder it blew, the more manic my rage. It was mocking me. My voiceless verbal assault ready to wrestle it into submission.

The dream was so startling, i woke up. Due to stress, I hadn't remembered a dream for months, and was surprised this one decided to stick.

I think its safe to say I had a lot of anger before this. A lot of misdirected and mis-intended emotions. A lot of unbalance. Too many things to do, and not having the foresight to start or finish any of them. Sometimes we run our lives, and other times our life runs us. Both are inevitable.

My time here is almost up people. I can't believe 6 months is allowed to escape like that. so quickly. I leave Luckland on the 10th. Anna's last day is tomorrow. my cindy is coming this friday - visiting for 2 weeks - before we both head home on the 20th.

Anna and I are shifting to Urvashi's house tomorrow, so this apartment can be cleared out and done with before we both leave. This evening has been filled with packing, tossing, washing, moving, and praising the sky for finding a hidden travel size Purel. i am sitting in my apartment, wearing a jacked red t-shirt, with the fans torturing my challenged bouffant. Look like ive been through Desert Storm without the desert. or storm. The rains psychotically starting and stopping. Tomorrow is a holy day (again), so tonight the mandir (hindu temple) across the street is on fire. No, not that kind of fire. It's blasting music to make sure allllll the gods can hear. hindu gods are the most sleep deprived of all the gods. we will be marching to this same 3 song track until 10am, guaranteed. all the furniture is piled in the kitchen/seating area, and since the rain can't make up its mind - every piece of underwear i own i have brought inside to dry, instead of out on the clothesline. i am surrounded by filthy clean clothes.

2 more weeks.

i don't know if it is because the date of my return is eminent, or just that i have been here for almost 6 months. the extra - ordinariness of this place, the daily exclamation marks, are losing their hold of me. difficulties are becoming less difficult, and the honeymoon is eclipsing. my football stadium of noise is no longer noise, more like elevator music with a lot of cowbell. yes the honking is still as loud, but it has lost it's power to completely immobilize me. of course the smells are still ripe, but i have grown oddly fond of the 7 deadly scents on my cycle rickshaw ride through the city. men still leer and i still yell, but i don't feel the same hatred and resentment as before. i don't internalize the negativity. walking home the other night a man on a rick screamed at us "Oh Yes, verrrrry nice item!" and then blew a kiss in our direction. i swallowed it, and spit back at him, "You are disgusting! You are a pig! Say hi to your wife!" and dear dear sweet Athena yelled "YOU MAKE ME WANT TO VOOOOOMMMIT!". The words just fell out of my mouth, no asking questions - just another day trying to get home.

the total eclipse of the heart has gone from 'im going to miss the people', to something greater. or little-er. depends on how you look at it.

*while walking home tonight. i passed the trash pile with the abandoned shacks, by the yogurt stand. instead of smelling garbage, i noticed the family of cows who have reclaimed their turf. to my elation they had 2 baby additions to their family. i was happy to notice.

*when deepmala cleans, we both hum to ourselves. two separate melodies.

*i get a tinge depressed when we arrive home, but the happy dirty dogs - all named Babo after anna's grandfather (since she sees his spirit in them) (i don't make it up, i just blog) - aren't there to greet us. kind of like i was being stood up.

*the Barista guy knows my drink, and plays early Enrique Iglesias upon my entry. he also calls me ma'm.

*at the intersection of death in the Haz, i choose to cross directly in front of a massive muffin top Tata trucks plowing through at full speed. I hold my hand out and use the magic 'thereisnowayyoucanrunmeovertruck,iamusingthemmagicsignal' signal. magic hand signal works every time.

*the hide and go seek game with the mouse that is crapping on my bathroom floor. i am at peace with the fact that we will not meet.

*the thickness of the air right before it finally decides to rain.

*surprises. buffalo milk. roti shaped like a monster.

so yeah, im sad to go. im going to miss the connections ive made. my co-workers. the kids. deepmala. athena. the guard across the street smiling and waving. movie theater intermissions. eating a mango by sucking it out through a hole in the top. laughing at ugliness and scabies and pregnant parasites. my fairly simple life and simple joys. its relieving to feel my difference pre and post l-town. the stress and anger diluted by an even stronger dose of contentment and gratitude. there isn't a lot of room for anger when you're full on happy and thankful. its a relief to have that feeling back. to remind myself of myself. and this time, i plan to hold on to it.

cindy comes very very very soon. i pray the blog will do her justice.

namaste y'all.
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