'ol reliable.

i am not a napper.

for me, napping is sleep uncommitted. it's neither here nor there. and in my current world of gray - i appreciate me some definiteness. snoozing outside the designated parameters of 'bedtime' is not a good look for me. i wake up confused, horribly hungry, and more cranky than i was at the start of it all. and that combination doesn't exactly highlight my best awesome self - since im all about keeping up with appearances.

im a busy girl. my week consists of having a couple jobs, with a couple responsibilities, a couple of coffees - and just to make sure im still conscious - a couple nervous breakdowns in between. lately i have been so out of my mind tired, i have been just that. out of my mind. work conversations are had that i have no memory of, bosses are inquiring about my mental health, and i have a better relationship with my voicemail than actual friends. im sorry everyone. i love you and i will call you back. you actually may want to leave a message to remind me, but please not before 10am or after 10pm. yes, i am becoming my mother.

to top it off, the sleep still doesn't come as easily as it should - and i have just given up. the brain doesn't switch off. maybe im just going through a three year phase of insomnia...which will continue on for the next 50 years. it will be so exciting at the age of 88 to announce, "I slept once - but that was when i still had a waist, my license and old nose."

im starting to realize the couple of coffees probably doesn't help either...but i don't want to hear it. i can't give it up. i won't. it's just so good to me. the strange part is, i don't even drink a lot of coffee. i order a short, which living in seattle is an embarrassment for my friends. unless its a mini dress, they don't see the point of a short anything. but that's really all the caffeine i need. im a sensitive person on all levels. mellow melatonin = violent night rages. dentist laughing gas = pass out black out.

for me, coffee is that secret summer make-out fling without the awkward goodbye and language barrier. it makes me feel like a woman. something out of the norm, something to get my heart blood pumping, something to look forward to that doesn't involve airplane fare or a razor. unlike tylenol pm, cigarettes, and reality tv - it's the last legal drug left on the planet without attached judgment. and the one something i can do alone, and not feel all alone.

even when the adult acne sets up shop again, reminding me to humble myself before God, and the morning reflection. it's better than forever true love. and horses and diamonds. and this.