my so called life.

Typical day in the field:)

I took out my camera, signaled for everyone to be quiet (teachers didn't want complete mayhem - which it totally could have been)....and these kids QUIETLY without speaking got into this formation.

Each time I took a picture, I showed it to them...we could have done this all day.

I have no idea where that kid got his glasses from. He apparently had been waiting for such an opportunity.















































This here is my street and the house I live in on the right. We have the apartment on the top floor, so that there top part is my balcony.

This sweet man was letting his goats have a quick nibble on some tree branches that had been cut and left for the animals on the side of the road. I asked him if it was OK to take a photo, and he agreed by posing proudly next to the herd. He asked me where I was from, and if I spoke hindi, to which I told him 'America' and no I don't speak any hindi. Wait, but i did understand what he was saying - so what exactly does that mean?


I personally like the love goat action. Everyone loves a good healthy goat.























And finally, this is how ngos (NGOs mother) get things done.

Fairy dust.

Work was hosting a meeting at Urvashi's school, teachers and principals were helping us review our content, generating feedback, learning about how to improve....

We adjourned for a break, and i heard some type of electric surge coming from the room. I turned around, and this is what i saw....

Apparently the school staff made good use of the break by fixing a window or two in the room we were using. blow torch. fiery sparks flying about.

muy bien.

Delhi to Lucknow Train....

This is me in my coffin of a berth on the train ride back to Lucknow from Delhi...for 13 hours...i wasn't excited about it, and if you look in between the curtain and the wall, you can see the little boy looking at me - trying to figure out what alllll this was all about.

...if you are like me...

"Were it not for our tests, pure gold could not be distinguished from the impure. Were it not for tests, the courageous could not be separated from the cowardly. Were it not for tests, the people of faithfulness could not be known from the disloyal. Were it not for tests, the intellectuals and the faculties of the scholars in great colleges would not develop. Were it not for tests, sparkling gems could not be known from worthless pebbles. Were it not from tests, nothing would progress in this contingent world."

-Abdul-Baha, Divine Art of Living p. 87

Delhi.

Have you ever had those experiences when two of your worlds come together under the strangest of circumstances?

8 years ago (GOD i can't believe i just said that)......ahem. Eight YEARS OF MY LIFE ago, i was a freshman at UW and lived in the dorms at Lander Hall on the 8th floor. I was young Baha'i girl, from a small town in the south, being exposed to many of life's learning experiences. You know, the crazy stuff you saw and did that you file under '...but it was college...'. Living on the 8th floor allowed me to meet THE people. You know, THE people that you still talk about a lifetime later. THE people, that for whatever reason...made such an impression, they will forever be the holders of "well i knew i guy in college..." or "my roommate was insane, no...like seriously" stories and jokes. THE people that don't disappoint, because they were so in their own alternate universe - there was no room for disappointment.

Anyway, I met a number of these people, but it was at this point in time when I met my best friend STEPHEN. Stephen (you are welcome) lived 2 doors down from me. Unfortunately this post isn't about stephen. sorry.

Its about a guy from India named Jeevy...

Jeevy (Harjeev) lived right across the hall from me. He was very sweet, great personality, and a whole lotta fun with a capital F. Unfortunately, its safe to say we didn't have the same social circuit in college. I mean, maybe if we had met and taken a Virtues Workshop together right off the bat, we would have realized how hilarious we both were together - and we could have hung out more-but at this point in life, we were just across the hall college friends. Our first meeting was rather interesting.

We had the regular greeting, which involved our "Hi nice to meet you"s...smile...look at eachotherrrrrrrrrrrrr...oknowwhatdowesay. And then jeevy smoothly broke the ice by asking me if i wanted to go partake in something involving having a 'good time' with everyone in room whatever down the hall. Amused at this, I actually remember letting know him then and there how I am a Baha'i and so I don't drink or smoke pot blah blah blah..to which he gave me the typical 2 second staredown.

In high school I was actually more embarrassed to let my friends know I couldn't hang out with them because of my ridiculously early curfew, or i had to watch my brother, or clean my house. I never felt truly awkward giving my whole "Im a Bahai and i don't drink...." shpeal, it is just something that is a part of me and Im ok with. I am a Baha'i and I don't drink...thanks. I feel more awkward for the person hearing the news for the first time actually. They give me the stare smile of 'well now what the hell are we going to do'...will she shun me for drinking? Does she see me as the devil? Is she saying she is better than me? (This 'look' happened a lot more when i was in college - not so much after). Now, I don't think I had ever shared this information within the first 2 minutes of meeting anyone - but then again - i had never met someone who immediately asked if i wanted to go get wasted. i love college.

Anyway, so Jeevy learned the truth about me rather quickly....that I am a Baha'i, and therefore he can't count on me to go get kicked out of Lander Hall (which he almost did by the way). I waited for his reply....blink...blinkblink....

blink.

blink........ ...... . . . .

"You're a Bahai!? I LOVE the Baha'i Temple in Dehli, I live right by it! I go there all the time to relax, it's so peaceful! Have you been? Oh, I love it there...."

And then our friendship was born:) No judgments. Jeevy liked me because I was an awesome Baha'i. I liked Jeevy because he was always having a good time -always happy to see you - always the guy getting away with murder - and he knew about the Baha'i House of Worship in Delhi India. The perfect across the hall friend from college.

Fast forward to 8 years later..I am in Lucknow India (SO apparent btw, as i sweat to death in my kitchen), and thanks to Facebook, Jeevy and I have managed to keep in touch. Since I arrived here, he has been insisting that I come stay with him and his family in Delhi - there's no problem - if i need anything, I should just call - he has connections everywhere if i 'run into any problems with the authorities' (those are his exact words). he is the man to talk to. fabulous.

Turns out that during my time here, Anna was taking a 2 week trip to the Baha'i Holy Land in Haifa, Israel for Baha'i pilgrimage. Her flight was scheduled to leave from Delhi on a Sunday morning at 4am, so we had the brilliant idea to take a Friday night train to Delhi, run around the city for a day, she would leave, and I could stay a bit longer for a good little get away - visit my friend- get a break from Lucknow. I asked Jeevy if he would be around. He said we must stay at his house, and could arrange for his driver will pick us up from the train station. Anna and I high fived, did a little "It's tank top and SHORTS wearing TIME!" dance, and were on our way. Its all so romantic...in a very Baha'i way.

That's right, I packed tank tops AND shorts. take that lucknow.

After a AC filled freeeeezing train ride - we ended up just sleeping in the same berth it was so freezing - we got to Delhi around 7:30am. We caught a cab and made our way to Jeevy's address. A very tired Jeevy and feisty beagle named Snoop (as in Snoop Dogg, yes as in fo' shizzle ma nizzle - I be drinkin jin an juice)...greeted us at the door. Jeevy showed us to our room, it was glorious of course. Huge bed. Huge house. Clean everything. Actual shower with shower pressure with some chutzpa behind it. Beautiful vacation. What more could a girl from lucknow ask for? We all three talked for a bit, and then went to eat a sit down breakfast with the parents.

Jeevy's parents are beautiful people. Actually, his whole family is just lovely. His dad has a clean kept short white beard, round face, crisp white turban (parents are Sikh), very jovial man-extremely friendly. His mother is just gorgeous. Gorgeous skin, perfectly kept hair, beautiful hands, so kind as she talks to you, and has a laugh that would light up anybody's bad day. Both were so sweet - not just asking questions to be polite - but really listening, responding, joking with you. It was such a treat to sit down with the family and watch as everyone laughed together, poked fun, and tried to work things out. I got to do that briefly in Spain when I lived with a family of 5 for 2 months. I love watching families at the dinner table...it always fills a little piece of my heart i misplaced somewhere. I lap it up every time.

We ate a good indian breakfast consisting of scrambled eggs mixed with tomatoes, onions, sprinkled with deliciousness ( i believe its called Bhurjee) - and roti of course. I had a lemonade. I took a shower. I used the little sample AVEDA soaps they laid out for me (are they trying to KILL ME?), they smelled of rosemary mint. I was so overcome with emotion i drank the shampoo and saved the conditioner for later. I dried off with the cleanest fluffiest towel i will probably ever use while in india. there was a trash liner in the little bathroom trash can. nothing smelt of mildew, of trash, of dust. just clean. what a concept. what a life.

Anna and I got dressed in our tank tops and shorts (shut up i know), and after sometime battling with our modesty issues (is it too short? i feel naked! this tank top is to slutty. how did i ever dress like this? i should wear a dupata.) - and jeevy assuring us it is OK - we left the house to go shopping. Anna had to get some last minute things for her trip, and i was just so excited to be out of my kurta and in a pair of shorts...i didn't care what we did. i just was standing there stunned like one of those birds that slammed into a glass window - in shock - with its mouth open - wide eyed.....not really knowing if i was coming or going...taking deep breaths.

Now, here comes the fun part. In India, people have help...I have blogged about this already. For example, Anna and I have Deepmala. She comes to the apartment around 4:00pm, cooks dinner, cleans some, and washes clothes. I am almost completely used to her being there - meaning I don't feel bad that "I have someone to help out around the house". I get it. Its a nice thing to have. I'm OK with it now. But for India, me having Deepmala is SO low on the help scale. Like my boss Urvashi...Urvashi has a cook (the MOST incredible food in the world btw), 1 to 2 other people there to help out (if need be), and a driver. Her help can be at the house/working anywhere from 6:30 am to 10:00pm. I figured, she is a successful woman, she's indian, of course - she has help. I, however, NEVER in my wildest dreams imagined that someone MY age...someone that could be me...someone i hung out with in school - someone who i actually knew....could have live in help. As in, they live in the back. As in, "We'll, take the driver today" help. And please understand I am in no way implying that there is anything wrong with this or that i mean to be disrespectful in any way. Its just so absolutely incredible to wrap my brain around. So different from my life. I just come from a completely different experience. I come from the single mother who was in school growing up experience. The "I will make dinner, and take care of my brother, and do the laundry, and clean the house every saturday experience". Like, I don't remember doing homework in middle school - but i remember cleaning the kitchen and making steamed veggies with brown rice. I also remember cutting mom lemons so when she took a shower she could get the formaldehyde smell off of her, but thats another blog. Anyway... after staying with sweet Jeevy im getting over it.

So, to do all of the shopping in our shorts, we took the driver:) I've never had a driver, so excuse me if I am stating the obvious: Anywhere you want to go- he drops you off - and picks you up. Always there, opens the door for you. Incredible. Air conditioning, leather seats. Jeevy's ipod of impeccable music. No rickshaws, no smells, no noise, no frustrations, no Anna having to be the one in charge. We weren't in Lucknow anymore, I was definitely sure of that. I was even more sure, after we stopped at the Imperial (aka: the most gorgeous hotel i have ever experienced and wish to be buried there if i should die in Delhi) to have a mid day drink - because thats what you do on vacation in Delhi with my friend Jeevy (FYI it is mandatory that you check out the link to this hotel). The car drove through the driveway lined with tall white palms, pulled up to the hotel entrance, the doorman opened my door. I stepped out. There were some Europeans dressed in dolce and gabbana with a fendi bag (thank you anisa) trying to find their ride (yeah, but did they have a driver? muhahahahahaha). The smell of jasmine wafted through the breezeway, the air cooled. I heard God whisper "You're welcome". I was high, i was sure of it. Hallucinating. After the entrance there was a Channel boutique and the like, perfect massive flower arrangement in the middle of the rooms, serene ambiance filled with pristine furniture. Im sure this is where Aishwarya and here people stay. It was as if i was shoved into a movie about indian royalty and my shorts were on sale from old navy. White walls covered in antique photographs with gold frames. Old wood carvings. Natural light. Water features. Breathtaking. I had forgotten who i was, it was too much. I made a mental note to make myself use the bathroom before leaving.

We walked through the bar and sat down 'outside'. 'Outside' meaning, yes we weren't inside the hotel, but there were silk transparent draperies keeping the real outside out, and leaving us to enjoy the light and impeccable decor. Massive white pillars with sheets of bright turquoise tile. Tropical colorful plants, 50 ft ceilings. Silence. The scene at this hotel restaurant was right out of a romance novel. It was any traveler's fantasy. The waiter and waitresses dressed in gorgeous deep red and gold indian suits and saris. No one had a hair out of place. All foreigners there on business wearing crisp white linen pants and tunics (like some regular guy is going to where white and be so sure he's not going to ruin it). Tourists who felt annoying enough to wear their loud shirts and shorts - taking pictures of the gorgeous women in their saris. People eating melon with a fork and a knife. I ordered a cranberry juice. it was so refreshing, it was as if i had gone to brazil, gotten a face lift, and slept for a good 2 weeks. Where the HELL was I? Wait, i was with Jeevy.

Anna and i made sure to use the facilities...we took our time, and dried our hands with individually rolled white hand towels, which we then deposited into the 'dirty' hand towel baskets underneath the sinks. I thought about taking a few back home to Luckland, but realized its white probably wouldn't have even survived the train ride back. We looked at ourselves in the full length mirrors. High fived for the zillionth time- did a little dance....and continued on our day of bliss. Next stop, sushi for lunch.

So this was pretty much our first day together in Delhi: shorts and tank tops, shopping, Imperial Hotel, feasting on sushi (real sushi, that was made by real Japanese people - i had to say it), a mall with every convenience including The Coffee Bean, French Connection, Nine West (i know nine west isn't that high end, but come on) and sour gummy worms, laughing and joking, fruit smoothies, Jeevy using one of his under the table 'connections' to get Anna's rupees changed into 600 US dollars, and an incredible punjabi dinner at home.

The plan was after dinner to go to Jeevy's friend's house for a pool party. Anna had to be at the airport at 4am, so we would go to the party around 11:30 - stay for a couple hours - swim - have even more fun if it was possible - and then drop her off. My digestive system of course had its own plan.

After dinner, all the amazingness from that day came shooting out of me. Even though, we all ate/drank the same things, all day...not Jeevy, not Anna, just Elizabeth got it of course. India is slowly trying to kill me, i am certain of it. After my near death experience in Varanasi, I lost so much weight, and every time i eat to try and gain it back, my body just says GET OUT! Anyway...I let it 'get out' for a good hour, then took some medicine which involved a pill of mint oil and some good ol plug me up drug, said a prayer, and got in the car to go to the 'pool party'. I didn't have a bathing suit (the one thing i didn't bring to india) so i have been using a bra and underwear combo that can 'pass' as a bathing suit. I figured at night, no one could tell anyway. We picked up Jeevy's girlfriend Roshni (there isn't an indian girl i have seen here that is more beautiful and spunky than Roshni), and drove off into the night, my stomach loudly screaming for help the whole way and me burping the taste of mint the entire ride. Nice touch. My mantra this time being "Do no shit in his car, you cannot afford to have it cleaned."

We arrived at the house and immediately walked to the back. Im sorry, did I say house...I meant MANSION. Hold on, I meant...wait let me use my thesaurus...castle, estate, manor, PALACE. Yes, palace. It was a palace, with manicured lawns and gigantic weeping willow trees, and a pool lagoon- a LAGOON- in the plush back yard with everything: built in bar/hot tub, pool house, separate roofed veranda with tables and chairs. Anna and i stood in disbelief. Jeevy's friends were drinking Grey Goose, swimming and laughing, there was great loud music playing - i don't know how - i didn't see a sound system - but it was incredible. Magical. This was living, i finally saw it at the age of 27 and 3/4. Who are we? Where are we? Can someone smack me in the face? It was a Bollywood movie set, with alcohol, bikinis, and Elizabeth wearing underwear as a bathing suit. Oh, and i still had the 'delhi belly' of course. i ran into the house to use the bathroom. I wish i wasn't so preoccupied with my situation because i would have paid more attention to the 'house', but i can say that that bathroom had the highest ceiling and best acoustics i have ever experienced. It was just gorgeous - the bathroom that is.

Finally, my stomach calmed down, and i got to enjoy myself for a good couple hours. Jeevy's friends were so hospitable, hilarious, and kind. Most of them had grown up in Delhi, gone to college all over the world - and then returned home. A lot of them were his childhood friends - so it was special to take part in that sort of gathering. It made me think of the girls back in TN (em, jules, rach, and court)..growing up together, the stories and bond we have, the weirdness we all share, the hilarity of just being together. I miss that a lot in my life. It was nice to experience that somewhere else...the same ease of childhood friendships. Except, we of course wouldn't be having a pool party at 2am - we would be dressing up to reinact Seven Brides for Seven Bothers- dancing around Lishy's kitchen as she tried to sleep in the bedroom 20 ft away. Poor Lishy:) Juliette would have been on a roll that night. Different life, different story.

We dropped Anna off at the airport, and went home to get some much needed rest. We had filled one day with so much excitement - so much fun - we slept hard.

Sunday was just Jeevy and I having a swell time, laughing at different stories from college, laughing at ourselves - people we once were, people we think we are now. We are surprisingly a lot alike: we both obsess over stupid accents and the people with 'flair' who have those accents, relish in inappropriate humor, obsess over amazing food, enormous egos, hot tempers. I don't think i have laughed that hard in a long while. It was so freeing. No cares, just good times. We ate breakfast with the parents and sister again. Watermelon and toast i love you. Visited some of the peaceful and non crowded sights. He took me to his temple-something I was so fortunate to do since I probably would have never visited a Sikh temple on my own. Him and Roshni took me to Spago (italian restaurant) and i had vegetable soup and a goat cheese salad. It was out of this world. Everything was fantabulous - even the strange late 'lunch' we were suddenly called to attend by the owner of the Ashok Hotels in Delhi (yeah, i know). Apparently the owner (family friend) insisted Jeevy go and partake of the new menu they were putting out (Jeevy is known for knowing what is 'good' in Delhi - i was slowly learning this). At first, Jeevy said he wouldn't be able to make it, since i was in town, but everyone began insisting - so he caved, and i went along.

We were lead dowstairs into a private dining area, with waiters serving massive quantities of food. A sick game the gods thought was amusing: Elizabeth, who already had lunch, trying to eat sensibly so her stomach doesn't detach and just walk away - and here is this gorgeous dining hall, and food, and sauces, and creams, and meat, and desert, and fruit, not to mention the ridiculousness of how i would never have this opportunity EVER again. I ate what i could while Jeevy and I telepathically laughed at each other across the table. The owner of the hotel was extremely excited, and his speech fired at a rapid pace - switching topics within seconds of eachother. Talking about some dish one minute, then the history of Lucknow, followed by telling one of the waiters to go inform whoever that the red fire hydrant outside should be green. He wanted it to blend in with the foliage...i just hope they can find it when their hotel catches on fire. Oh, and did I mention a hurricane blew by during all of this? Yeah, there was a storm of Bible like proportions which sent the rain blowing side ways, trees toppling over, along with chairs, tables, rugs, chickens, cows, you name it. All flying in the air. All in front of my face. I told Jeevy it was a good thing I was leaving the next day - i had seen enough of his life. God knows what would happen if I stayed any longer.

My last day was spent in complete relaxation. Everyone went to work, and I was left at home with the driver to take me to the Baha'i Temple. Brilliant idea. I arrived right before the crowd and walked along the path....beautiful enormous structure in the distance. Simply breathtaking. It was a peaceful time alone. I sat inside for as long as i could (after a certain point of the day it gets too hot to meditate for more than an hour), I watched as families brought their children, holy men conversed, women in saris wiped the sweat with their dupatas, tourists mingled and asked questions about the Faith. I love being a Baha'i. You always have a sense of belonging - not just to other Baha'is - but to the world....to humanity.

How amazing - i thought to myself. I never dreamed I would be able to see the Delhi temple. Not like this. I never imagined I would be visiting the temple, staying at my 'across the hall' friend's house from college. Living la vida Lucknow. Life is so incredible - the way we are funneled through into our own personal experiences intertwined with everyone else's...only if you just pay attention.

I went home to reflect. Snoop and I enjoyed a leisurely day of reading, writing, and being served food on a tray - literally. First it was watermelon (without seeds). I tried to sleep through lunch, but they noticed i woke up and got me (damint, sooo close, and sooo good), and then a couple hours after they tried to serve chai - but i got bossy and refused! I couldn't handle it anymore! It was just too much incrediblness. It was perfection..no noise, delicious food, fresh lemonade upon request, an appropriate temperature at which to be productive, my bathroom was cleaned everyday. I was exhausted of being taken care of. I was tired of confusing the light switch for the servant bell....uuuuuhhh so embarrassing! I needed to clean something immediately! It was time for good 'ol bucket bath, sweat through your clothes at 11:30 pm lucknow.

And after another dinner filled with laughter and hot fudge sundaes (wtf?!) it was time for me to leave the Kingdom beyond. I was getting too settled and needed to remember my real reason for being in India, and unfortunately this reason didn't include hot fudge or goat cheese salads. Jeevy and the driver took me to the train station. On the way he told me some of his stories which included: 1) A man on heroine shitting himself and 2) A Sadhu cursing a woman who woudn't give him water, which he then remedied by going and 'drinking from a puddle that contained gonorrhea'. We laughed so hard. I was so relieved, I found someone who delighted in the same, who knows how horrible situations make the best stories, and who is more dramatic than me. Sweet sweet sweet joy. Jeevy made sure i got on my berth - and then let me know that i needed to come back again with Anna- for a longer trip - so we could 'do Delhi right' next time. I don't even want to know what that means. I still struggle with what that would entail.

My train ride back was horrid of course. A small reminder of what was in store for me back at home. My train was 4 hours late getting in, and i was in the 'worst' berth (no really, that's what its called). Its the one out in the open, where people can get to you - in the hallway - at the top. Just me alone in my little coffin...i could have died and it wouldn't have smelled any different.

Finally i got home...looked around at my dusty dirty apartment. There was a storm while I was gone, so all the windows opened and the dirt had blown inside. Lovely. There was no food in the fridge. Excellent. As i walked from room to room, there was the smell of rotting animal. I searched high and low...couldnt find anything...and then just gave up. You know you have lived in Lucknow for a while when you 'give up' on findnig the rotting animal hiding in your appartment. Apparently a dog had died and was piled onto the trash heap outside the house, and since all the windows were open - you could taste it if you opened your mouth for too long. Amazingness. Deepmala wouldn't be there for another 4 hours. Perfect. I had just enough time to turn on the fans, open the windows, clean out my refrigerator, scrub down the bathrooms, and make myself some ramen.

Lucknow had welcomed me home.
So lucky.

I'm only saying this once...or twice.

LISTEN UP!

I would like to announce that the PEAK temperature today was 46 C today.

Yes, you are correct. that would translate to.....114.8 F....which we might as well just go ahead and round up to 115.

115 degrees and its still gettin hotter:)

I feel so powerful saying that. Like i am one of those animals on Discovery that live in the seemingly uninhabitable heat. i sit before you sweating awesomeness.

Living at this temperature (it probably goes down to 100 in the house at night)...i am flooded with questions of 'how is this possible?' I mean, do we ingest things that are 115 - 120 degrees? No. right? We definitely don't get in a hot tub that is 120 degrees...you would cook yourself, like that scene from Harry and the Hendersons. How can people walk around, work construction, sleep, carry cement, cook, and manage not to melt in 120 degrees? incredible.

So if you miss me and love me, do the following:

*Preheat your oven to 115.
*Go put on a shirt and wrap a cotton scarf around your neck.
*Stick you head in there for a good 1/2 hour.
*Take deep long breaths.
Imagine there is a strong wind slapping you in the face that is equally as hot.

and after you finish that...

*Turn it up to 120.
*Do the same thing
*Let me know if there is any difference.....

...cause thats where i am going to be in about a month.

In other news, i am currently obsessed with this blog: http://thisisindexed.com/




(thank you stephen for showing it to me, and pat/abby for explaining everything else)

you should check it out, really hilarious stuff.

its like Dr. Doolittle over here.

Quick note.

Anna and I were at work painfully sitting through a long, hot and dusty meeting-which was in no way ending quick enough-when we heard screaming from downstairs. People were yelling that some animal had gotten into the office, come and see! OH we were excited! Anna and I ran downstairs ( holding hands as we ran). Was in a mongoose? Was it a cobra? (better not have been a cobra). Had God finally come to personally instruct me on what i was to do with my life? No. None of the above.

We stopped just before the gate, outside on the patio entrance to the compound. The men were pointing to the flower pots, apparently 'it' was hiding in there. "What is it?"..the men through a stick at the corner to make it jump out...."A big lizard."...."What?"...I stood there like one of those American tourists with my had on my hip and a high pitched voice...."What? Where? I don't see it!"...."It's big, watch out."......Anna and I stood waiting. They threw something else.
"How big - oh god." There is was. Like a friggn' crocodile. With claws and panache and SPEED. And then it ran at us. That's right, just like the monkey....

Anna and I bolted up the stairwell, screaming for dear life. This thing running behind us, through the door, up the stairs...and we had to actually RUN for it to not catch up. Looking back, I feel bad for it now, it was more frightened than we were. But with a reptile this size, and the indians screaming "Its poisonous!" in the background....we were just trying to run as fast as possible. I wonder what our reaction would have been if we were chased by a stampede of elephants instead? Maybe just fainting from shock would have been the best policy. I didn't catch Bear's instructions for this situation.

Unfortunately Monsing, one of the men with a stick, got to it - and right in the stairwell, in front of me (anna couldn't watch) - beat it unconscious. I was told later, they took it out of the compound, released it and watched it scurry away. Of course, the brain damage it suffered is another story - and by the way, did i mention they are endangered? Le sigh. I guess there wasn't a lot we could have done. I mean, we could have asked it to leave (like the monkey), but if it was poisonous - there isn't any "let me pick it up by the tail" and take it out of here. It had claws, poisonous saliva, and a tail whip weapon. As you can see for yourself....


So yeah, this is a baby Monitor Lizard (one of the giant lizards of india - cousin of the Komodo Dragon). After the hysteria, my friend told me he has lived in Lucknow all his life, and has never seen any kind of lizard this size, let alone a Monitor. At full maturity they can reach anywhere from 6.5 -10 feet. So, im just happy it ran into us now....I don't need a 10 foot anything chasing after me. That couldn't possibly be a good idea.

If you would like to watch the you tube video of the aftermath (after he beat the poor thing)....you can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4lZTkAIttQ

You can hear me freaking out in the background if you listen closely.

...and then Varanasi happened...

Part III

If you are lucky, you pick up on the lessons life has to offer... the stove is hot don't touch it, if you aren't prepared for your test you will fail, pay your bills or you won't have a place to live, blah blah blah. Some of these are learned, some of them we continue to learn, and some of them we just all together ignore for whatever reason. Life is great in that way, if you really want to, you can choose to just ignore. Lessons aren't necessarily stapled to your forehead every morning -- look at me idiot-- they are much more subtle than that. You have to actually pay attention, sometimes more than once, before you actually can get to the point of 'hey, i learned my lesson'. So that's the way life teaches you, but in India they are explained to you by a different method. You receive them in a cut the shit, don't pull any punches, don't waste my time, understand me or die manner --India has been around for a very long time, and she plays to win.

One of the most important lessons you must learn is RESPECT. Even if you aren't necessarily a fan, you must have real respect for the people, the weather, culture, the food...the basic essence of what creates this incredible country. Don't think that just because your girlfriend speaks hindi, you aren't some smelly dirty directionless backpacker, you were almost voted best personality in high school, and people always want to 'know you better' --somehow you are then above respecting india. Mother nature don't like that, and she will correct you when need be. You can count on it.

Our time with the Krishnamurti group was over (thank goodness, i can finally walk at a normal speed and speak to anna in a loud and forceful tone)... Anna, Athena, and I were dropped off in downtown Varanasi to begin our weekend vacation. Translation: Thank you God I can finally wear a tank top in this 110 degree weather. We were very tickled at the fact Varanasi is plugged into the tourist circuit. If you are ever isolated for a long period of time in a community (let alone country) where you are the only foreigner--given the opportunity, you will seek out 'your kind' with such a powerful radar it is incredible. If I am in a rickshaw in Lucknow and pull up next to some tourists, I will stare at them with such an intensity--not wanting to invite them over for chai--but just so for 5 seconds so i can remember what it was like to have a conversation that isn't "Madam, vher from? Madam vher going?". Also, it would be nice for the three of us to have someone else to talk to besides each other. Because honestly, I am running out of jokes and Anna is running out of excuses.

Anyway, Varanasi was littered with these possibilities. Simply walking around, seeing my kind, gave me a slight satisfaction. It wasn't as though we would be exchanging numbers, and becoming blood brothers...it was just nice knowing that if i screamed "FLAVA FLAVE!"--there would be one or two people who had my back. Eating in restaurants with foreigners aroused some of the most bizarre exchanges in energy i have experienced here. They are seated, you walk in. They know you are there, you know they are there. They seat you right next to each other because its so painfully obvious you would be comfortable sitting that way. No one looks at each other, no one wants to say "Hi, you don't belong in this country and I don't either. I am excited to see you, but i don't necessarily want to hang out with you -- since i have fooled myself with this 'I am so immersed in Indian culture I am practically Indian' facade, So i will just continue to ignore you". It's okay though, i didn't pretend to have any false ideas about who i was or what i was doing -- I was content with my tourist self, a cold coffee and ice cream, in my tank top, doing my thang.

For those of you who aren't familiar, Varanasi is regarded as the holiest city in India. Thousands of people come here to visit Hindu and Buddhist temples, bathe in the Ganges River (believed to have healing properties), and take sunrise boat rides along the riverbank. If you ever see pictures from India, of thousands of people bathing in the river with bright colors scattered throughout, sadhu men dressed in their orange attire, and bonfires along the ghats cremating the dead -- this is Varanasi. Its basically a photographers dream on steroids, so many pictures so little time.

Also, it is important to know that though breathtakingly beautiful, the Ganges river is extremely polluted. I'm not saying this as a westerner judging another part of the world, or as someone who leans slightly toward the ocd side of life -- i am saying this as a human being. The river is no joke disgusting. It is a concoction of pollutants from nearby factories, untreated human sewage, fully cremated and not so fully cremated human bodies, and dead livestock. Anything and everything you can imagine is in that river. It was beautiful yes, but also a breading ground for a disease buffet. Even though there is currently programs which filter the water of the river, so many people feel "oh but the bad stuff is being filtered out" -- no. I don't mean to be disrespectful, but no. There is no way i would swim or drink or play or even stand in that water, especially after learning about the cremation process.

Along the river, there are several ghats allocated for the burning of bodies where one can actually sit and watch cremation take place. The process is fascinating, but I won't go through all the details. Bodies are wrapped and placed by their families on individual bonfires. Before the fire is lit, their faces are uncovered. To watch one burn from start to finish takes about 3 hours. There is always a section of the body which doesn't completely burn...this section is tied to a rock, and then thrown into the deep part of the river. I believe I was told at least 20 bodies are cremated a day. Your caste determines where on the river bank you are burned (higher castes are burnt higher up away from the water, lower casts are right on the bank). There are some people (those who are 'pure') who are not burned however, and just tied to a rock and dropped into the deep part of the river : pregnant women, those with leprosy, those who have died from a cobra bite, children, holy men. The problem then is that after 3 days at the bottom of the river, the ropes of these bodies loosen, and the body will float to the top. Our boat guide was sure to bring our attention to the other side of the river in the far off distance, where some bodies had floated ashore. You could make out their location by looking for the dogs....cleaning up the situation. Basically it isn't out of the ordinary for multiple bodies (or body parts) to was ashore each day. Really incredible stuff to learn about and experience.

Blogging about everything that happened on this section of the trip is a bit much. However there are two stories worth telling. Please know that regardless of what my mother says, I am not exaggerating what has happened. India stories don't need any inflation, that is why you come to India -- to have seemly unrealistic experiences. You're job is to be present enough to remember all the details.

So far I'm not doing so bad.

The largest monkey in God's creation.

We had found a hotel, checked in, and made our way out to walk along the Ganges and find some coffee and food. I had a good book, my sunglasses, a skirt, dirty backpacker hair, a bad attitude-- all the fixings to just 'be' for the next 8 hours. A restaurant named Pizzeria provided us with everything we could ask for. We started off with a thin crust Margarita pizza which turned out to be perfection. I had pomegranate juice, there was the typical dread lock girl sitting alone smoking an endless cigarette- finding herself in space. French tourists were eating apple pie with vanilla ice cream a couple tables down, laughing and loving on each other. What geniuses, making apple pie with vanilla ice cream available to silly foreigners. I sat on the patio among the potted plants and ivy, overlooking the Ganges. The stores and restaurants along the river are all located at the top of the stairs up away from the river, so during monsoon season places of business aren't flooded out. A little above the restaurant there is a bookstore with postcards, journals, and tons of books on tantric sex and spirituality. How i would love my baptist friends from high school to see me now. Anna and I went up into the bookstore to check it out. The bookstore is a bit higher up than the restaurant, so its' entrance overlooks the restaurant's rooftop.

Inside, Sadhus were seated on the floor...giving me dirty looks conveying 'stop staring American, who else did you expect to be chillin' out here on a saturday afternoon?'. I browsed the spiritual enlightenment literature, the karma sutra coloring books, and the meditaion cds. I paid for a journal and some postcards and turned to walk out of the store and go back down the stairs to the restaurant. The second I stepped into the breezeway in between the two buildings, I came face to face with the largest monkey i have ever seen in my life -- positioned 3 feet away from me on the restaurant rooftop. This monkey was so exceptionally huge, I had to actually blink once to come to the realization it was not a human dressed in a monkey suit, but it was an actual dinosaur monkey left over from the Mesozoic era. Brilliant. The animal was so close to me I could hear it's thoughts, i could have given him a monkey hug. Within 2 seconds i went from being excited that i have seen my first indian monkey (woohoo!) -- to terrified--seeing that this monkey had no leash, no cage, no nothing....just him and me and a lot of facial hair.

And then the unthinkable exciting part happened. It JUMPED AT ME (holy. crap.). Shut up, i know right... IT JUMPED right AT ME. In the ape monkey's defense, it wasn't trying to attack me -- it was jumping INTO the store, and I happened to be standing in THE wrong spot. Couldn't have been more wrong of a spot to be standing in. But anyway, the monkey man jumped at me, and with the reaction time of George W. Bush, I stepped to the side...saving myself from a lot of cosmetic reconstructive surgery, and an even better story. This animal projected such force soaring by me, the wind created from its leap pushed my hair back in one big whoooooooosh -- and i got to smell it up close and personal for about 1/2 a second.

With one effortless jump, Monkeysaur landed in the store on all fours....and began walking around with the swagger of a cocky pirate. His long tail sticking straight up -- swaying about as it commanded people to move out of its way (which they did). If my friend the monkeyman had walked upright, he would have been at least 4.5 feet tall--easy. His monkey hands and personality larger than mine....and that is saying a lot. If you had seen him from afar scaling a building -- you would have thought it was a burgler - or spiderman dressed as a gorilla. I could hear him breath he was so friggn big. I hollered to Anna, "Anna, um Anna!" Anna poked her head out of the nook of the store... "Yeah honey! I'm comi...oh....oh no." Anna backed herself into the shadows of the room and fell silent. My first reaction was not to be scared -- i somehow thought "This is India!" "This sort of thing happens all the time, right??". But Anna's reaction was proving me all wrong. She looked at me and said "It's OK to be scared honey...im scared too." Oh great. Anna's scared. The world is all going to hell. I am going to die from being monkey mugged. I looked around the store, everyone (even the holy Sadhus) didn't dare try to shoo it away...or yell at it....they all sat still, hoping it would get the point for one or two dirty looks. There was suddenly a cautious nature in the room I had never EVER experienced before in India. I mean, I have seen Indian families of four ride a motorcycle without helmets as they hold their newborns, the street lamps on the freeway falling - hanging over the sides of the bridge - ready to fall at any moment onto the street below, they ride 12 to a 4 seater rickshaw, faulty electrical equipment always hanging down into pools of water as someone is fixing it. ALL this without the slightest bit of panic...but if a giant monkey comes looking for you -- you better watch out cause this could be dangerous.

After some sniffing around - it was obvious no one was going to force this monkey to do anything it wasn't ready for. Anna later told me stories of when she lived in india during high school, they would actually close down school if monkeys got into classrooms. They didn't want them terrorizing classes...throwing things, screaming, running around, killing elizabeth. Apparently you can do a lot of things in india -- except piss off a monkey. Fun for the monkey, not so much for everyone else. So, this monkey got the same treatment. We just stood and left him alone...and soon enough....after he decided he wasn't interested in karma sutra coloring books, he left. Thank God. One of the store clerks actually told me to stay inside for a few minutes to make sure he wasn't hanging around anywhere, Anna agreed with this and I obeyed whole heartedly. We waited around for a bit -- looked around for a man wearing a monkey suit -- and made our way back to the restaurant. We were just having too much damn fun.

And then we almost died - no really.

With this second story, I learned the lesson of Respect I spoke about earlier. Respect for all things India.

I had been really lucky in India healthwise. I hadn't gotten really sick. I mean, I had had a little upset tummy maybe once or twice - but not that death sickness so many people had warned me about. The night before our last day in Varanasi we were actually discussing this same topic with some guy travelers we had met (one french, one german) - bragging about how Anna never gets sick (which she doesn't). Talking about her 'iron stomach', how I am super careful with what i eat. Bullshit bullshit bullshit. Yeah, well Mother India decided that she needed to teach these stupid american girls a lesson. A lesson called "Don't get cocky with a country that can make you so sick -- you wish you were dead." Fer realz.

When i tell people I got sick, the most common (and ANNOYING) response is "What did you EAT?" Well, please understand that here in India, it doesn't necessarily have to be something I ATE. I could have gotten sick fom: The fly which landed on my arm, the child whoes hand i shook, the banana i peeled, the water i washed my face with but paid specific attention to not ingest, the money in my pocket, the 34,876 kilos of dirt and ash from burning bodies and trash i just inhaled, the monkey that breathed in my direction, the bottled water i drank, i raw sewage that was splashed on me on accident. Please understand that you are outnumberd here. You are going to get sick. You aren't going to be able to figure out what exactly it was. It was everything, it was nothing. Im exhausted just thinking about it.


So we had gone to this backpacker's hostel to hang out, meet some foreigners, and possibly have some conversation with members of the opposite sex that weren't going to want to propose marriage, or think that they had gotten lucky with three loose american women. That is another thing i crave here...male friendships. Anyway. I started feeling horribly off. Not just regular crampiness, but cramps that hurt so bad it was difficult for me to breathe. I told Anna I needed to leave, since it was going to take us go knows how long to make our way back to the hotel at 10:30pm. I was slammed with nausea and more stomach cramping as we walked in the dark, trying to find an auto rickshaw. The smells were not helping, and it was starting to be difficult to stand up. Finally we found an auto and got a VERY bumpy ride ( bumpy ride = excrutiatingly painful) back to the hotel. I walked into the room and colapsed into bed.

Here.
we.
go.

About an hour later I steam rolled out of our bed (all three of us were sleeping together), crawled into the bathroom -- i was in so much pain i couldn't walk -- and threw up with such a force it would have powered the flux capacitor. Thought i would feel better right? Wrong. For the rest of the night I vomited followed directly by the sudden urge to shit my pants -- which i did thank you very much -- all. night. long. You know that you are really sick in India when a couple things happen to you: (fyi this list is gross. i appologize)

*You choose to lie face first, sleeping on the floor, of any bathroom.
*Your friend has to wash your ass for you, innumerous times.
*You don't have the strenth to speak but just wimper to yourself.
*You burn up with sweat, throw up, diarreah all over yourself, and then get freakishly cold. over and over again.
*You cry because somehow death seems better than the stomach cramping, and shortness of breath you are experiencing.

Oh its a good day for newly found humility.

The worst part of the night was at the point where I had lost count of how many times i had crawled in and out of the bathroom, in and out of consciousness. Somewhere in the middle, I was halfway back into bed, when anna suddenly ran into the bathroom and projectile vomited EVERYWHERE. All i could think was "What the *%&# is going on!!!??" I couldn't believe what i was smelling - Anna was down, the queen herself had been hit. Nothing was sacred anymore. All i heard was anna and athena sit in silence, trying to grasp what had just happened, and then break out into laughter as Anna tried desperately to clean everything up. Anna and I were sick that night. We were so very very sick.

I woke up the next morning, poked Anna to see if she was alive, and we both laughed at eachother with smiles. That's all the strength we had. We were lifeless, we were in pain, we had nothing left to give, Varanasi had taken it all. It was like something out of the movie Trainspotting. I barely had enough strength to go and brush my teeth, my legs were like a newly born calf, all i wanted my MOMMA. It took all the energy i had to wash my face. Once i did though, it was obvious I had been defeated, I had to go back to lying down. What had we done?

Angel Athena had the hotel call a Doctor, which came and prescribed us a bucket full of medicines -- one of them being an antibiotic to kick the ass of whatever it was which was trying to murder us. My favorite part about this Doctor (which is such a commentary on India) was that he prescribed Anna the heavier antibiotics (definitely should have been the other way around), and he also took both our temperatures -- mine was 101.something, Anna's was 98.something -- and recorded them on his notepad. However, he recorded them as a MEAN. So, the two patients ended up not having individual temperatures, but a average temp. of around 99 degrees. Lovely, something extra special to tell my mother when she comes to pick up my body before it is burned and dropped into the Ganges. Vhatever. Give me drugs, i'll take.


The whole point was to get healthy enough to make our 5am train the next morning. So we rested. I didn't eat anything, except some toast (disgusting) and tea --which i threw up around midnight that night. So horrific. At 3:30 am we woke up, I still had a fever. By then Anna could walk around. The girls had collected my things, my only job was to get my purse and myself into the car waiting downstairs to take us to the station. I had my dupata (scarf women wear) ready around my neck to block any smells on our way there. My biggest fear was that i was going to smell something horrid (pretty much guaranteed) and vomit again. So, i purposefully didn't take any food--any water -- nothing that my body would have to reject. I could do that business in a hotel, or in a crumpled pile in the streets of Varanasi, but not on a 7 hour train ride. I just didn't have the emotional capacity for anymore Indian torture.

We arrived at the station, and by the grace of God I made it through the mayhem, passed the smells, over the piles of cow poop, under the fat rats climbing up the rafters -- and into our train car. We got to our seats, Anna and Athena secured the luggage. By this time Athena had devloped a fever, severe nausea, and hives on her face of all things. Anna just fell into her seat staring at the roof ...and I just laid in my seat reclined, meditating on my mantra of the moment "Do not shit your pants, do not vomit on the woman in front of you". Thank you God Thank you God.

About 20 minutes later I was awoken by a large Indian man telling Athena she was in the wrong seat. Anna piped up in Hindi -- showed him the tickets that we were in fact in the CORRECT seats, and he was mistaken. All indian men love to help, so of naturally a seperate indian man next to us took our tickets, looked at them, and then sweetly let us know that our tickets were infact booked for 2 days earlier. In other words, we didn't have seats on this train. In other words, we were screwed. In other words, I wanted to die................In other words..............there were no words. I had no words.

It was at that moment, for the first time in my life, I litterally checked out metally, physcially, spiritually, and emotionally. I had completely removed myself from the situation. I couldn't take it. The words "you don't have a seat on this train" didn't compute in my head. We would all die if we stayed at the train station, that was for sure. I looked at Anna, she told me to get up and stand in the back. We were not to get off the train. I didn't even respond, i just stood with a 'i can't believe this is my life' stare. If she had told me to marry myself off to a guy named Hiritik 'who would treat me real nice' I would have skipped down the isle at that moment. If i had needed to produce a male child from my loin at that very second, I would have bore twins. If i needed to memorize the complete periodic table in the next 20 minutes-- i would have told you that Boron's atomic mass is 10.81. Desperation gets you every time. I knew that whatever she asked me to do was what needed to happen for things to get done. Anna power is magical power, its one of life's secrets. The last thing I remember hearing was "Im going to have to bribe the conductor...", and then she was gone. The train pulled away from the station with us on it, I sat down in a open seat in the back and fell into a malnourished coma sleep.

I woke an hour later to the conductor giving out seat numbers....I probably had to marry Hiritik, but we would make it to Lucknow in 7 hours. Apparently Anna had told the man in hindi "Sir, my friends are sick, we don't have seats." astonished that this woman was speaking hindi, his helpful response was "Madam, apko Indian he?! (Madam, you are indian?!)"....glorious.....this was what we were up against. we were up against the world now. No one would listen. But somehow, like it always does Praise God Almighty, Anna managed to work it out. We had to pay for new seats - 1600 rupees damnit- but there was no bribing, no hold up, no producing magical illegitimate children. No one had to die. We were girls, we were sick, they felt bad for us. We got seats.

The rest of the 6 hours was spent meditating on my mantra. I dozed in and out of sleep. Anna tried to get me to take somemore medicine which i refused. I just wanted to get home, if shit was going to hit the fan (litterally) i wanted it to happen at home - away from the burning dead bodies, polluted water, the hotel room we left smelling like a crime scene. We pulled into the station, got our bags, and hobbled out into the blanket of heat. We got some random rickshaw to take us home - would have paid him whatever he wanted- we were just thankful the Varanasi nightmare was over.

At home, I took a cold bucket bath, scrubbed the trip off of me, and fell asleep for the next 48 hours. A doctor came to the house a few days later to take blood, urine, and stool samples, but i was so far gone it was impossible for me to produce any stool. Not like i didn't try, but it just wasn't going to happen. It took me a good 2 weeks to recover. I had lost a good amount of weight, developed a sinus something and just started eating normally (yesturday actually).

Just so we are on the same page, my hair can stop falling out, my 10 pounds can come back, the acne scars and pressure in my ears can go away. I have learned my lesson...and whatever it was i did....i'll never do it again. And by accident, if i do do it again (whatever it is), i am so so so sorry.