Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Saturday, August 6, 2011

the power of four.

families are a slightly incredible cohort. you can probably relate.

they hold the ability to empower or erode. shield or abandon. enlighten or completely confuse.

and if your family is special like mine, they have the power to do all these things simultaneously.

their interconnectivity is quite brilliant. affectionate glances framing guilt. vocalized pride stemming from secret deception. a bit of codependency thrown in just to make sure you're still awake. love and belonging interlocked, laced together in a lumpy soft embrace.

my father, mother, brother and myself are a compelling bunch. and one stupid gushy blog will not do us justice. this also holds true for extended family, however it should be known the smaller group is arguably more entertaining than the larger one.

by the way, i decided it's best that grandmothers are not included in the extended family list. one. they are far too wily. and two. they have eaten more shit in their lifetime than i care to ever eat in mine. they therefore warrant distinction, and nothing ever general. each one rightfully exists in their perfectly crafted ecosystem of fantasy. and by ecosystem, i don't mean terrarium. something with a little more first class leg room and extra drawers for jewelry. one day i'll write down my memories of my grandmothers. you can then drink tea and cozy up, reading tales of my Jewish Bubba asking her 8 year old elizabeth what she wants for breakfast. my answer forever being french toast. smoking in the kitchen, she relays every detail of each conversation had over the past month. repeating and then she says to him so many times elizabeth grows up to be a story teller. doesn't every kid play 21 and shop at Bloomingdales? or if you need something with more of a bite, aloha. sit ocean side - drink something serious - and fantasize of my hot-legged-chinese-portuguese Tutu. her chapter lovingly named Have That Man Put Some Ice In My F*cking Wine, will make you vomit with laughter. 

warning: tutu makes other grandmothers blush. she lives in las vegas. she has Club A on auto pay.

in not so plain terms, my family hooks me. confuses me. loves me. keeps me on my toes. they are charged and aware. ready-to-not-take-your-ish. ready for a good laugh and great story. and above everything - above allllll the few great guarantees of this world - they are never. ever. boring. thank the prophets.

after weeks of searching for the perfect word to describe them, i still can't nail down the proper term. in surrender, all i have come up with is: power nap. because sometimes after spending a week, or a day, or a dinner, or maybe just a speaker phone conversation - you'll need one.

growing up, i memorized their individual frequencies. measured their collective output. spent the majority of my life, in two groups of three. things always seemed crystal clear.

Group 1) cindy + elizabeth + max = elizabeth giving max a hard time/food shopping
Group 2) artie + elizabeth +max = elizabeth giving max a hard time/food eating

the number three was easy. it was comfortable. it was rehearsed and expected. but four...four was mysterious. the yet-to-be-cracked algorithm.

artie + cindy + elizabeth +max = the unconstrained variable. 

i had often wondered what the unknown power of four would hold. not that i expected  Donna Reed Show utopia, but what type of family experiences the perfectly manicured lawn. or late night conversations in the kitchen over chocolate cake. dialing one number and reaching two people.

turns out, if you have introduced me to your family, i have most definitely stalked them for as long as possible. not to worry. i made a concerted effort to not be creepily noticeable. why would i want to go outside when i can stand in the kitchen and watch Gail passionately read the newspaper while Ron works at the computer, re-telling old jokes. she was totally unaware she ate all of the sesame seed snacks from the bowl on the counter. if you waited long enough, she would start to play the blue piano in the bedroom and sing a tune or two. who wants to meet up with friends, when i can sit in a chair and watch andi and danny cuddle on the perfect-cuddle-couch for hours. never getting up for anyone. there was no better place to be.

i blame it on my shower curtain pull back disorder. discovering rationale behind mock turtle necks and cruise ships. wall plate displays and chicken chachkes. guns and eighties hair. stories of old hollywood standards and soft-shoe. i have to know if it's pristine. if you only clean for company. if professional help should be called. or maybe no one gives a shit, and just leaves it all wide open.

but for right now, the investigation can rest. because for the first time in my life, i got the chance to experience the unimaginable. my first family vacation. ever.

prompted by the Berkeley college graduation of my brother, i have to admit i was a bit terrified. but then figured even if the trip was a complete bust, at least i had the opportunity to answer the question: Why are you going to California? with...


I'm going on vacation with my divorced parents.

words sweet as honey.

yes, i knew what was coming. and yes. some of it came. but there were other far more glorious moments i didn't anticipate.

it's a good feeling to be surprised. but being surprised as a jaded 30 year old, is even better. i grabbed ahold of memories i never thought would be mine. held tight. and floated above it all. watching my parents sit in the front seats of the car. max and i silently in the back, listening to artie and cindy family vacation conversation. mom saying how she keeps raw green beans in her purse to eat on the plane. dad laughing at mom for being ridiculous. mom laughing out loud because even though she knows she is ridiculous, my father is still far more ridiculous than everyone.

cut to the restaurant. we all sit down. together. dad and mom share salmon with asparagus. cindy can't eat her half because the kitchen basted it in sweet sugar devil sauce. another piece of salmon is ordered. the establishment makes the grievous error of charging $8 for replacement salmon. my parents riot. they tag team the restaurant manager over the erroneous $8 charge. someone gets bored and leaves to retrieve blood from a nearby rock. the argument gets heated. my father unknowingly addresses my mother, saying, hold on honey. i gleefully shit my pants. team Alinikoff wins the standoff. my exhausted mother unintentionally leaves her to-go half eaten free piece of salmon on the table. she laughs. my father hits it home with, it's the principle of the matter.

graduation day. my dad and i take pictures from the stands. my father uses his fancy camera. he lets my mom direct some shots. i ask for a thumbs up and take a picture. they both smile, give me thumbs up and say heeeyyyy.

celebration time. my dad's sf friends organize a last minute graduation dinner for max. my sweet father is excited to show off his kids. the dinner is held at the beautiful home of my father's first wife. all four of us arrive. i curse myself for not stealing more liquor bottles from the flight. during dinner, i talk to dad's first wife - seated across from me - while his second wife (my mother) sits next to me.

what's more awesome than being able to say Going on vacation with my divorced parents?

...Hanging out with my dad and his ex wives.

i'm blessed to know my experience lies somewhere between the Donna Reed Show and bat-shit-crazyville. we are humans after all. made up of unconscious gabs and loving embraces. a mess of boundless brilliance. talented artistry. and hilarious honesty.

with the humorous jaw line and humbling body hair swirls of arthur alinikoff, i am grateful. to the secretly sensitive cindy powers of observation, i promise to sit up straight to open my heart chakra. to my brother max, who really isn't impressed by anything unless he feels it in his heart. u are my doppelganger.

to all three of you. i love you.




Friday, May 13, 2011

things i never thought i would say...

my brother is 26.
my brother is a berekely graduate.
my brother is taller than me.
my brother is better looking than me.
my brother appears to have a small nose, but it is really big in pictures.
my brother has a bigger heart than you.
my brother grows a lot of facial hair.
my brother wears shirts that fit him.
my brother doesn't take a shower every day.
my brother still touches his nose when he laughs.
my brother got all the freckles.
my brother is going to be a great father.
my brother loves me more than anyone loves me.






Sunday, February 6, 2011

home with where the anna is.


just knowing that if i screamed reaaaaalllly loud you might hear me. that is enough.

i love you so much i wanna punch you in the face.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

'ol reliable.

i am not a napper.

for me, napping is sleep uncommitted. it's neither here nor there. and in my current world of gray - i appreciate me some definiteness. snoozing outside the designated parameters of 'bedtime' is not a good look for me. i wake up confused, horribly hungry, and more cranky than i was at the start of it all. and that combination doesn't exactly highlight my best awesome self - since im all about keeping up with appearances.

im a busy girl. my week consists of having a couple jobs, with a couple responsibilities, a couple of coffees - and just to make sure im still conscious - a couple nervous breakdowns in between. lately i have been so out of my mind tired, i have been just that. out of my mind. work conversations are had that i have no memory of, bosses are inquiring about my mental health, and i have a better relationship with my voicemail than actual friends. im sorry everyone. i love you and i will call you back. you actually may want to leave a message to remind me, but please not before 10am or after 10pm. yes, i am becoming my mother.

to top it off, the sleep still doesn't come as easily as it should - and i have just given up. the brain doesn't switch off. maybe im just going through a three year phase of insomnia...which will continue on for the next 50 years. it will be so exciting at the age of 88 to announce, "I slept once - but that was when i still had a waist, my license and old nose."

im starting to realize the couple of coffees probably doesn't help either...but i don't want to hear it. i can't give it up. i won't. it's just so good to me. the strange part is, i don't even drink a lot of coffee. i order a short, which living in seattle is an embarrassment for my friends. unless its a mini dress, they don't see the point of a short anything. but that's really all the caffeine i need. im a sensitive person on all levels. mellow melatonin = violent night rages. dentist laughing gas = pass out black out.

for me, coffee is that secret summer make-out fling without the awkward goodbye and language barrier. it makes me feel like a woman. something out of the norm, something to get my heart blood pumping, something to look forward to that doesn't involve airplane fare or a razor. unlike tylenol pm, cigarettes, and reality tv - it's the last legal drug left on the planet without attached judgment. and the one something i can do alone, and not feel all alone.

even when the adult acne sets up shop again, reminding me to humble myself before God, and the morning reflection. it's better than forever true love. and horses and diamonds. and this.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

wedding numero tres.


sunny san fransisco. kimia and kenny wedding. costumes. my girls.
the pics speak for themselves.
more later.
<3







Thursday, April 8, 2010

i miss you



even if you do wear head gear.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Sunday, November 15, 2009

secret friends.

brief realization.

i notice and relish the details of people. if i have ever watched you in person from afar, you should know i commit to memory your details. you are my secret friend. i think i am addicted. in fact, i know i am.

secret friend loves of my past include: pickup truck drivin' good ol boys who wore confederate flag t-shirts and had a bumper sticker reading Lee Surrendered, I Didn't; too serious sweaty dancers named salsa fight guy dressed in black, scarves and eyeliner; dirty seattle bike messenger lesbians and their amazing muscle legs; a yellow sweater vespa riding italian man on spanish holiday in search of someone to help them practice english; a scientist who believes hobby degrees (ie women studies) are a waste of time and anything which can't be scientifically proven doesn't exist; a sorority girl who was supremely happy to invite me to her King Tut And The Egyptian Sluts costume frat party; and a woman who not only wore the color peach every day, but also decorated her entire house in the same shade, after a sales girl in florida told her it was a nice color on her - 20 years prior. oh to be there, to have witnessed more. i could have spent years being perfectly content...listening. watching. waiting for everything to play out. i would have given up all my long underwear for more time. and if you know me - that's serious talk.

these secret friend impressions make my life. get me through the day, through the years. obviously yes i am more in love with them then they are with me, and that's fine and expected - half the time they don't know i exist (and frankly im not even going to try to compete with a King Tut and Egyptian Slut party). so there. though most of these encounters have never blossomed into full friendships, or they are intensely short lived, my heart lights up all the same. whether my attention was first attracted by their accent, smirk, story about their mother, dark comment, sigh, crows feet, or the way the warm their hands in front of the car heating vents as they drive. i love my secret friends and their truth.

for me, that's the ultimate deal maker. their sparks of truth. any truth- whatever it may be for just that moment. the glimpse doesn't need to be constant and ever present, doesn't even need to be on purpose. i don't have to like, or agree with it - for me its courageously beautiful and fascinating all the same. i am not saying i want to sit in a circle with you and listen as people divulge into the slough of life, as we cry, do trust falls and make lists of our shit. no. i can't handle that. i want the subtle, the unrehearsed and organic. i don't like parts that float to the top. i want the murky stuff that sinks to the bottom and and gets stirred up.

so yes, i am addicted to the murk. it's what i crave and actively seek out. little crumbs leading to some part of a back story. the why. why do they (and we) do the incredible things they (we) do. i find it fascinating...the truth of it all. maybe i obsess since i struggle with my own honest expression. my own murk.

brief (and not so brief) examples.

the other night i took the 73 bus back from work. i sat close to two younger gentleman both wearing long black trench coats, unkept patchy beards, and australian adventure hats. one brown one black. they were good pals, sitting next to each other, discussing a shared story from time spent in some alternate universe i wasn't familiar with. some location where they enjoy zorb. i couldn't decipher if zorb was a reference to their leader, or an activity. [got home and realized it is quite the activity]. anyway, black hat with glasses finally says to brown hat with red bow-tie, Hey, so i have finished that last chapter for my novel. You wanna hear?. brown hat replies, sure, and i become nervously addicted. From the inside of his trench coat, the author pulls out a small pocket size journal - covered in bright blue oriental fabric speckled with pink cherry tree blossoms. Where shall i begin?? oh yes...he smiles at himself and embarks. his voice and cadence swell into an homage for voice over guy from the Days of our Lives. firm and reassuring, wise and whimsical, but with some bitterness thrown in.

"Those of you present for the feeding
, i have a hidden gift for you. As planet Delpheriax selflessly provides our nourishment, I implore you to do the same for others. I pray you not to harm 3XY and his clan. Instead, leave them be. I shall escort them to the galaxy beyond the 3rd sun. Yes they have destroyed our earth clones, but what happened to compassion? Have we not learned from the crusades of Borthum and Bob?! The decision is my gift to you. Take it with substance, the healing shall begin..."

i couldn't decide which i was more in awe of...the fact that brown hat writes his novel in small $3 asian inspired fabric bound journals, or that he decided to read his prose allowed on the bus during 6 o'clock traffic - all while two seats down juanita chastised rico on her cell (something la ultima vez, puto!). She was very very angry. he was very very proud. it was like 3secondheat, i just couldn't get enough.

a more endearing example occurred last month while my mom and i visited my brother max at berkeley.

we had the fortunate pleasure of being in san fransisco the night of halloween. after sitting through a power surge of rock lobster sung by salvador dali dressed as a spanish bullfighter, we made our way back to el cerrito. if you ever have the opportunity to take the Bart at 2am, waiting patiently amongst hundreds of others, on halloween, in san fransisco - you should pack a lunch and go. pure inspiration.

after finally making our connecting train, i managed to score a seat next to Fred Flintstone. a 350 lb Cartman (who could have been identified from space) stood in front of the car, taking up the majority of the room. Bike Man stood next to him with the six remaining members of the Double-Wide Bandit Crew, and Pizzazz with her jealous girlfriend sat along the side. There was a gang of Zombie Slut Bridesmaids behind me, and a pissy Lady Gaga dressed in a belly button plunging black bathing suit, fishnets, stilettos, bedazzled ray-bans, and blond bangs. At some point, a young man in the front spotted his lost friend in the back of the car, and with dripping elation and a huge smile to match screamed out, JULIUS! JULIUS YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!! LOOK AT YOU BITCH!! I FUCKING FOUND YOU!!! HAHA! I THOUGHT I FUCKING LOST YOU BITCH!! FUCK! DAN, LOOK! ITS JULIUS!! I FUCKING FOUND YOU MAN! I FUCKING LOVE YOU!

i never did see julius, but it was worth the price of the ticket, just to see such friendship among men.

with all the amazing-ness abuzzing around me, i proudly sat next to fred flintstone, inhaling everything, being thankful - secretly wishing the train would break down at that moment - and i would be kept inside its' custom-made time capsule f.o.r.e.v.e.r.

to my surprise, Fred turned to me, smiled, and said, I should go home, and change out of this. I have to have brunch with my mom this afternoon. Fred was a young kid, sophomore at berkeley. skinny to the point of not really filling out his red/one shoulder strap/no shirt/cave man costume (but an excellent attempt non-the-less). sweet disposition. he reminded me of one of the guys in college that was a reliable, gentle soul. i said, Oh honey, im sure your mom would still love to have brunch with you - even if you showed up in that. he gave me a yeah i know goofy grin, and i went back to listening to 'Julius's friend' realize he had just found Julius all....over...again.

a minute passed.

Can I ask you something? (Fred now wanted my full attention)

Sure!
(intrigued - i turned to face him)

So, i like this girl...

[at this very moment, i had to take a deep breath to stop myself from screaming at the top of my lungs, THANK YOU! THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU!!]

...mHHHHmm...

...Yeah so this girl, she is just so amazing and funny - and BEAUTIFUL, so beautiful... and so we have been talking for a while, and finally last night we were alone together and i kissed her, and i was so nervous - but it was amazing...so now i was so excited to go out tonight, because we made plans - us and our friends - to all hang out tonight right? but tonight we were all together and i was talking to her girl friends and they told me she really isn't wanting a relationship right now...and so now i am so confused and i don't know what to do... i just think she is amazing and we kissed... i mean, she wouldn't have kissed me if she wasn't in to me! so i don't know what to do?! she is just so beautiful and we have so much fun together! should i just stop talking to her? should i text her and ask her how she feels about me????

[by this point in his confession, the two men seated directly in front of us had perked up and were listening in on Fred's love life. they sat with their heads leaning back, holding hands and grinning. i took a second before i gave my response.]

You know (Fred), this is what I think you should do. You should call her up and tell her you would like to meet up for coffee, just to hang out, no big deal. Once you two are there, you talk about normal stuff. once you both are relaxed you just ask her how she feels about you - if her feelings are mutual. No pressure, no weirdness, just asking sweetly for an honest answer--

--Wait, so i shouldn't text her first? What about her friends?

You know, Im sure her friends mean well, but I'm sure you can appreciate this just being between you and her. It's important to make that connection with that person face to face, not through phone or email or friends- but just real people talking. Know what I mean?

Yeah, that makes sense...I'll should do it face to face.

(and then my heart kicked in)

Oh, and one more thing (Fred). So, when you tell her how you really feel - and if she dodges the question, or is mean to you, or doesn't give you a real answer?? Well, then she isn't worth it. Remember that OK? You are a sweet guy being very mindful of her feelings, putting yourself out there - and you deserve the same respect, OK?

(Smiling) Yeah, YEAH...you are right. Thank you so much! Thank You!

the gay couple in front smiled and nodded, as to say - 'good job'. i sat in awe of my sweet life.

fred's stop came up. he, and everyone else, departed.

secret friend success.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

no sleep for you.


The Sad Game.


blame
keeps the sad game going.
it keeps stealing all your wealth-
giving i to an imbecile with
no financial skills.
dear one,
wise
up.


It Felt Love.

how
did the rose
ever open its heart

and give to this world
all its
beauty?

it felt the encouragement of light
against its
being.

otherwise,
we all remain

too

frightened.



...hafiz is one of the few i can visit with at 2:30am, and still retain the lesson the following day...
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...