yeah, i'll eat that.

so it's been a while.

i should officially post and inform you that the rumors are true. 1 month and 4 days have passed since i landed in Seattle, and probably for the first time in my life - i am proud to be back on this side of the world. happy to be in the good ol' U.S.of A. relieved for a whole list of reasons, and sad for a list equal in length.

part of me feels as if india was one of those hallucinated melatonin induced dream sequences. like one morning i woke up and there was a goat playing the harmonica in my bathtub. i don't know how it happened, but it did, and it was real, and i got the pictures to prove it...but why dear God was there ever a goat? How was that ever my reality? Life is incredible. On the 15th I can be with a delhi belly cindy, on a moving train balancing ourselves in the toilet at 3 am - and at the same time - Nordstrom's Rack is having a sale. I have personal investments in both obviously.

my friend paul warned me about my return to this life. 'its like you've been through war elizabeth...its gonna take a while to get it together.' never has a statement been so true.

i miss lucknow. i miss the simplicity of it all. the truth behind living within your means, finding a connection with people not based on what they have, but who they are. working towards something you believe in, both in the professional and personal sense. the strange pride of managing your life with hot spit and a prayer. experiencing the outrageous-ness of monkeys and madmen and oiled braids, and loving every. darn. minute. but i aint gonna lie, i heart me a caesar salad, a strawberry lemonade and clean fingernails. i loved my work, but it is good to move on. i must be satisfied knowing it provided me with a deeper sense of humor, clarity, direction and motivation. its up to me to just accept the good...here's to accepting the good and moving in that direction.

the arrival.

as i exited the plane in chicago at 4:30am - i was greeted by my two besties: quite and clean. in a matter of 14 hours, overstimulation had ceased to exist, and i was gifted personal space, a self-forming line, and easy to read signs of what to do in the event of an emergency. it was a scene straight from the movie Babe, when only after knowing the secret sheep code could the herd understand Babe's requests, and in complete silence and without instruction, lead themselves through the obstacle course into the pen -to win the prize. i was that pig. i was that sheep. i won the grand prize. i stood muhaha-ing at all the aunties and uncles in the foreign entry cue - while i cruised by with my american 'chai is something you order from starbucks biiiittttcchhhes' comrades. customs was welcoming, i was overjoyed when the agent hit on me sans crotch dig, wink, or invasive energy - i let out a big 'aawwwwwww', as i was flattered. good to be home.

immediately, i bypassed baggage claim and found the nearest ladies room. i entered, stood with my eyes closed and took 5-7 deep breaths, frantically searching for some trace of filth....nothing....incredible. for the first time in six months i didn't have to hold my breath, or make a choice between stepping in liquid or liquid, or purposefully not wear my glasses to fuzzy up the situation. it was embarrassingly clean. tasteless air is underrated. there is no shame in the fact i love sitting down when i pee. it is euphoria knowing nothing can possibly attack you through the toilet-while you are seated. i celebrate the death of my internal conflict: the belief that using soap from the washroom somehow makes you less sanitary. like a good product of therapy, i felt safe and loved knowing i could lick the stall wall and not melt of dysentery four hours later. it's a gross truth and it was my reality.

seeing everyone.

being home and hugging everyone was wonderful. while gone, i was never really homesick for family and friends. from my end, there was no feeling of missing out. most of my friends are married or have kids - the days of going out dancing, vacationing, and relaxing are fading out. i knew people were living their lives, and they would still be doing so once i returned. on both sides of the globe our daily routines were monotonous, slowly completing what we have been trying to complete since we began. school. work. kids. sleep. bills. weekends. everyone's day - even mine - had these major headings, but constructed in different orders and colors. with the exception of not being able to make it home for the passing of a man who was a father figure throughout my life (Danny Seals), and the wedding of one of my best sisters (Courtney Gundry) - i felt confident with the distance. i missed my people. but it was good to leave, so i could be reminded of why i love them, why they love me, and why they are my people.

i haven't gone all out yet - eaten everything, seen everyone, pulled an all nighter dancing my heart away- but i've done enough to recognize that i have definitely returned to a new stage in my life and all the ridiculousness that ensues with new shiny stages.

a week or so after i got back Anna, Anisa and I were invited to a 16 year old birthday party for one of our friends in the Baha'i community. sweet 16 party, sounds easy enough right? who would have thought something so straight forward could actually give you the insight of what was to come. Anu's birthday was the persian tea, fingernail painting, place to be. her friends were adorable of course, but i was baffled how children (because that's what they are right?) can have such an intense sense of personal style and grown up sass to accompany such flavor. all i had at 16 was a lack of hair product and cleavage. well, welcome to the new generation. they have hair straighteners, and push-up bras. instead of dancing with the 'kids' in the other room - the 28 andnevertoolate club found ourselves sitting around the dining room table with the parents, discussing Obama's health care plan, politics, and intercultural marriage. my dream of sitting at the adult table had finally arrived, and i wasn't even employed. that night i had an epiphany. i had met Anu and her parents when she was 6. that's right. i have lived in Seattle for a decade. why does this make me feel old. that was more of a statement than a question.

later that week one of the girls friended me on facebook, which i accepted. as i snooped around her page, i clicked on her info to discover her birth year read 1990. my first thought was this had to be a mistake, there is no way a 10 year old could be on facebook, let alone want to friend ME?? and then i realized...it is almost 2010. I am almost 28. i have lower back problems and make the choice to buy and wear orthopedic shoes. i can identify flaxseed in a poopy diaper. i have spider veins. i like to drink hot water. a good nap sounds like a great plan. i watch Suze Orman and take notes. i don't care if she has a jacket addiction. i love her.

note: i will no longer befriend anyone on facebook whose birth year is pre- 1990. so if there are any of you out there reading this, please don't take it personally. also, if you are pre-1990 - some topics in this blog may be inappropriate and misleading about my character.

the plan of getting it together.

so, for my own sanity, i am definitely continuing to blog.

a while back, an episode of Clean Sweep on TLC made the point that we should respect and honor the things we cherish - and remove the things we don't. for example: keeping my home and possessions clean, donating clothes i don't use or need, removing the clutter and excess that hazes your ability to live your best life.

[yes. i am going to be 28. i fantasize about calling in on the Can I Afford it Segment on Suze's show. yes. I obsess about being that favorite guest assistant on Clean Sweep. i will make them cry damnit.]

i actually have come to see this outlet as something of value, something that organizes my thoughts and verbal outbursts, and reminds me of me. with the same immediate powers of the cinnabon center - it makes another day possible. the first part of my plan to get it all together.

cindy and artie, this does not mean that i will be correcting all grammar and spelling mistakes. i will never have it that together, sorry to disappoint. better look to max for that, he's the poet at Berkeley.

that's all i know for now.

yes please.

i smell the end.

Before I left Seattle, i had the most vivid dream.

I was in India atop a huge sand dune, no civilization in sight, screaming at the top of my lungs into the desert sun. It reminded me of a silent scene from Babel. Soundless yet palpable. I stood in the sand, howling, punching, blaring my anger at the world. My throat, long black chow mein hair, and dad's red loose C&K t-shirt from the 70s, being sliced through by the gritty wind. The harder it blew, the more manic my rage. It was mocking me. My voiceless verbal assault ready to wrestle it into submission.

The dream was so startling, i woke up. Due to stress, I hadn't remembered a dream for months, and was surprised this one decided to stick.

I think its safe to say I had a lot of anger before this. A lot of misdirected and mis-intended emotions. A lot of unbalance. Too many things to do, and not having the foresight to start or finish any of them. Sometimes we run our lives, and other times our life runs us. Both are inevitable.

My time here is almost up people. I can't believe 6 months is allowed to escape like that. so quickly. I leave Luckland on the 10th. Anna's last day is tomorrow. my cindy is coming this friday - visiting for 2 weeks - before we both head home on the 20th.

Anna and I are shifting to Urvashi's house tomorrow, so this apartment can be cleared out and done with before we both leave. This evening has been filled with packing, tossing, washing, moving, and praising the sky for finding a hidden travel size Purel. i am sitting in my apartment, wearing a jacked red t-shirt, with the fans torturing my challenged bouffant. Look like ive been through Desert Storm without the desert. or storm. The rains psychotically starting and stopping. Tomorrow is a holy day (again), so tonight the mandir (hindu temple) across the street is on fire. No, not that kind of fire. It's blasting music to make sure allllll the gods can hear. hindu gods are the most sleep deprived of all the gods. we will be marching to this same 3 song track until 10am, guaranteed. all the furniture is piled in the kitchen/seating area, and since the rain can't make up its mind - every piece of underwear i own i have brought inside to dry, instead of out on the clothesline. i am surrounded by filthy clean clothes.

2 more weeks.

i don't know if it is because the date of my return is eminent, or just that i have been here for almost 6 months. the extra - ordinariness of this place, the daily exclamation marks, are losing their hold of me. difficulties are becoming less difficult, and the honeymoon is eclipsing. my football stadium of noise is no longer noise, more like elevator music with a lot of cowbell. yes the honking is still as loud, but it has lost it's power to completely immobilize me. of course the smells are still ripe, but i have grown oddly fond of the 7 deadly scents on my cycle rickshaw ride through the city. men still leer and i still yell, but i don't feel the same hatred and resentment as before. i don't internalize the negativity. walking home the other night a man on a rick screamed at us "Oh Yes, verrrrry nice item!" and then blew a kiss in our direction. i swallowed it, and spit back at him, "You are disgusting! You are a pig! Say hi to your wife!" and dear dear sweet Athena yelled "YOU MAKE ME WANT TO VOOOOOMMMIT!". The words just fell out of my mouth, no asking questions - just another day trying to get home.

the total eclipse of the heart has gone from 'im going to miss the people', to something greater. or little-er. depends on how you look at it.

*while walking home tonight. i passed the trash pile with the abandoned shacks, by the yogurt stand. instead of smelling garbage, i noticed the family of cows who have reclaimed their turf. to my elation they had 2 baby additions to their family. i was happy to notice.

*when deepmala cleans, we both hum to ourselves. two separate melodies.

*i get a tinge depressed when we arrive home, but the happy dirty dogs - all named Babo after anna's grandfather (since she sees his spirit in them) (i don't make it up, i just blog) - aren't there to greet us. kind of like i was being stood up.

*the Barista guy knows my drink, and plays early Enrique Iglesias upon my entry. he also calls me ma'm.

*at the intersection of death in the Haz, i choose to cross directly in front of a massive muffin top Tata trucks plowing through at full speed. I hold my hand out and use the magic 'thereisnowayyoucanrunmeovertruck,iamusingthemmagicsignal' signal. magic hand signal works every time.

*the hide and go seek game with the mouse that is crapping on my bathroom floor. i am at peace with the fact that we will not meet.

*the thickness of the air right before it finally decides to rain.

*surprises. buffalo milk. roti shaped like a monster.

so yeah, im sad to go. im going to miss the connections ive made. my co-workers. the kids. deepmala. athena. the guard across the street smiling and waving. movie theater intermissions. eating a mango by sucking it out through a hole in the top. laughing at ugliness and scabies and pregnant parasites. my fairly simple life and simple joys. its relieving to feel my difference pre and post l-town. the stress and anger diluted by an even stronger dose of contentment and gratitude. there isn't a lot of room for anger when you're full on happy and thankful. its a relief to have that feeling back. to remind myself of myself. and this time, i plan to hold on to it.

cindy comes very very very soon. i pray the blog will do her justice.



namaste y'all.

i look forward to showing my momma this.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program.

... Never in all my life, would i have thought to utter these words.....

My Indian Maid Has Lost Her Friggn' Mind

I have been blessed to experience the indian novela which is Deepmala.

If you remember, last episode of Deepmala in Da House we heard the story told of The Stone and the Roti.

The Protagonist (Deepmala): A very sweet young indian woman with kidney stones, hums love songs as she diligently cooks and cleans. The geckos sing back up.

The Bad Guy (mio): The spoiled and privileged american girl embarrassed to have help - but still manages to gchat and sip guava juice as the maid scrubs her floor.

Over time, Deepmala's story has strangely morphed from a tear jerker - to a made for tv mystery of Emmy winning proportions.

Deepmala is a lovely lady. However, out of my life's quirky characters she is one of the strangest anomalies i have ever come across. she is not the best maid, nor the best cook. She has difficulty remembering, always has an excuse why she can't come to work- but still asks for a raise, misplaces things constantly [i.e. lost her salary (like all of it)], and has a history of playing the sympathy card of to collect donations. For me, trying to rationalize her thought process evokes the feeling of the first time I attempted to sit in one of those chairs. the kind where you aren't really sure where the arse goes. its confusing. its awkward. its frustrating. its a bunch of little 'Now how the hell is this a good idea?' moments all strung together. She is just flaky as all hell. But- eh- what can i say, 4:30 - 7:30 m-s we are hooked.

Lately, we have been lucky. This season, episodes of Deepmala have in no way disappointed its fans. Her character has progressed from a one dimensional young lady - to a woman filled with attitude, bossiness, sass, and secrecy. Maybe because i am paying closer attention, maybe she is just getting comfortable with us - and this is the REAL deal (OOOOOOHHHH GOOD plot twist!) Either way, I am happy to report, she has now began yelling when she is displeased. It 1st happened the other day. After arriving 2 hours late, she became angry at the site of the mango peel i left in the sink. She was pissed because i was an idiot and cut off too much of the meat of the fruit along with the skin...so i got a scolding. anna got chastised when the bread and eggs went bad while we were out of town for a couple days..so she got an ear full as well. i understand this is a bit wasteful - but the reality is - things go bad. specialy when they don't have preservatives in them. lately she will randomly start going off in hindi - yelling about a bucket - or there is no water - or its hot outside. aren't these normal idocyncracies of india? isn't it no big secret it is a zillion degrees out, and the power has gone off for the 5th time today? its quite the treat to witness! I will quickly continue so that you may see for yourself what kind of craziness we got a brewin' in lucknow.....

Bluntly put, Deepmala is weird and does a lot of weird shit. you can quote me on that. i feel the most enjoyable part is she believes no one knows how weird she is - like she has created some alternate universe of 'normal' where she keeps her quarkiness a secret. she is the worst closet weirdo on record. one of the oddities that is Deepmala, which i have grown to accept, is watching her do the dishes. She randomly THROWS cans and bottles up into a little shelf in the kitchen wall - hinding them from plain view. It goes a little somethin' like this:

wash wash wash hummmmingtomyself hummm hummmmmmmingggggggg CHUCK with the left hand!!!!hummmmminggggggsomehindilovesonnnnng hmmmmwashhhh hmmm THROW THROW right hand! twitter twitter rinse rinse chiiiiirrrrp chirrrrp hmmmmmmm wash wash wash hummmmhmhmmmm TOSS!!

the first time i saw her do it, we thought we were watching some sketch from snl. its incredible. instead of taking these things out with the trash, she has taken to chucking them up to the shelf - making a little garbage collection. ?????????? ok. i thought to myself , that is kind of strange. yeah, but this is part Deepmala's appeal. its why we watch.

*why are there bags of snuff poorly hidden in my windowsill? ok. that's just Deepmala.
*why am i missing shampoo? Deepmala is secretly using it.
*how did watermelon rinds and seeds suddenly appear all over my bathroom? was it the watermelon fairy? No, Deepmala just decided to eat watermelon in the bathroom. thats all.

Our little made for tv mystery has all the all the necessary makings for prime time success. You would request it on InDemand. You would put it up on youtube.

All of this was in good indian fun. i could deal. i love a good laugh. Until, last night. OHHHH last night pushed me to the edge.

Please let me repeat:

... never in all my life would i have thought to utter these words....

My Indian Maid Has Lost Her Friggn' Mind

Athena was cleaning up the kitchen, and decided to collect the pizza box from the top of the kitchen shelf.....and this is what she found.....

And naturally, as i FUMED in disgust, anna and athena had a laugh throwing it all away.


its official. this whole country - even the maid - is trying to kill me.

One this is for sure, you are going to want this shit to be syndicated.

Tune in next week as the saga continues!

either way, you better watch out.

Exhibit A:

Our guard bull. Mind the horns please.

Exhibit B:

The morning view from my bedroom window.

i had a hard day at work.

And when I get frustrated, i remember...

"Compare the nations of the world to the members of a family. A family is a nation in miniature. Simply enlarge the circle of the household, and you have the nation. Enlarge the circle of the nations, and you have all humanity. The conditions surrounding the family surround the nation. The happenings in the family are the happenings in the life of the nation. Would it add to the progress and advancement of a family if dissensions should arise among its members, all fighting, pillaging each other, jealous and revengeful of injury, seeking selfish advantage? Nay, this would be the cause of the effacement of progress and advancement. So it is in the great family of nations, for nations are but an aggregate of families."

-Abdul-Baha, Promulgation of Universal Peace, p.157

dancing, coffee, and the washroom

Anna just finally got home from her Pilgrimage to the Holy Land.

It is so wonderful to have her here again. I am extra lucky... 1) I get Anna home 2) I get to be the recipient of the revitalizing spirit she brings along with her from the Holy Land. I love hearing pilgrim stories, their experiences, their ideas, internal struggles remedied. Love it.

i was getting lonely used to seeing at all of her things here without her...having to remind myself there is an actual person who makes those things come alive....

Life sola in Lucknow is quite interesting. I am constantly surrounded by people, children, conversation, chaiwallas, and such - but even in this whirlpool of energy, if you are alone here, you are really alone. Its the internal kind of alone that gets you - the kind where you go home to escape by watching a Friends episode on youtube for a couple hours. The kind where you find yourself running to answer your cell phone, even though you know its going to be one of those hindi spam callers. I definitely did a lot of writing (not on my blog obviously), life planning, and brain cleanups. Worked out some internal worries. Reminded myself that I can do all the things Anna does: getting around, conversing with Deepmala, planning out finances. Showed myself i never actually lost 'it', in fact, i still got it...it just shifted a bit.

So, it was actually good for me to know i wasn't as illfitted as i thought. Im actually kind of awesome in the Lucknow comfort i have acquired. But im not going to lie, it is relieving to have her home. I do realize this may sound extremely codependant to some of you...but you don't know Anna. Anna's the kind of gal you want around all the time -even when she is in a bad mood- just because you have so much fun with her. And i have had enough frustrating moments in this brief 27 and 3/4 years- im over negative nancy - im all about giggly fun now. "Fluff and Butter" - thats what my high school drama teacher would say.

Here are some pictures and notes of some things that went down while she was gone.

Pratyush's brother's wedding reception.


Athena and I finally got to partake in some sort of wedding festivity! We didn't exactly have the proper attire, but made the best of it with our nicest kurtas (or what we considered to be nice), and a good hair wash blowdry. I still haven't been sari shopping unfortunately. Part of me thinks this is self preservation...fear I would walk into the sari shop - suddenly become overwhelmed by the beauty before me - and spend my whole month's salary on just about everything i touched (which would be so so easy btw). I plan on buying two...one fancy, one casual. I guess we will have to take it slow and see what happens.

This is my best Pre-Top Model contestant pose.






Athena and I, trying to smile with our eyes...

...Tyra wasn't too impressed.

Pratyush (one of our co-workers) kindly invited us to his brother's pre-wedding ceremony.
I wasn't exactly sure which ceremony this was (there are many), but it was just the groom (no bride in site) and 300 of his closest family and friends.

Athena and I arrived 30 minutes late (indian translation: we were still 30 minutes early), and respectfully took our seats in the back on the women's side of the room. It was quite the production with a huge tent, lights, balloons, popcorn and cotton candy machines for the kids, pu pus to be eaten a the beginning and a ton more food for afterwards, including a Sikh dj blasting the music. It was quite the site.

Pratyush saw we had arrived and of course, relocated us to the front. Meaning, the seats in the front, next to the stage, reserved for the family...directly facing the 300 guests...Yeah. that was us. So much for the Chinese and Mexican girl hanging out in the back. At the main stage, rituals between the groom and the bride's brother were performed. I later learned this was the dowry ceremony...so many gifts, fruits, flowers, and cash were exchanged. I had no clue what was going on of course, but it definitely made for a memorable experience.




Now, since I have hit my 3 month mark i have learned a couple things:

1) Do not assume a n y t h i n g.

For instance: There is a dowry ceremony. I could have assumed the bride would be there to participate. No. I was wrong. She was no where in site.

2) Ask q u e s t i o n s...If you don't understand, or think you won't understand, or want to understand the why of anything...then you should ask - because it won't necessarily be explained to you. People will assume you know, or you don't care to know- or the worst case- you are an insensitive westerner.

For instance: There is a dj with music and a dance floor - great! We can all dance. No. Just men and children danced....no women.



In regards to the dancing, I have to ask more questions. Especially since i heard my friends say they have seen women dancing at weddings. Is it a caste thing? Was it a dowry ceremony thing? Was this a village thing? Was this a woman thing? Who knows, but I will definitely be asking Patryush.

Anyway.

Just men and children dance.




<------[The fearless dj:) Such a balla.]

Like all things, we of course learned this the fun way.

At the beginning of the dancing portion, just the kids were participating. Athena and I were standing on the sidelines...pretending we blended in. Nikita (Pratyush's 6 year old daughter who knows us from work) spotted us and pulled us onto the dance floor. "Nahi Nahi!" I screamed!...and then Pratyush saw this and of course insisted that we dance, by going full on Bollywood Style dancing - right on the dance floor.

Speechless.

He motioned for us to join in...i looked at him, looked at the 40 men/boys closely gathered, staring at Athena and I, and I swear I wanted to be shot down dead...




And like a good guest, i mustered some up some chutzpa - must have had some left over - and 'danced'.

It was us (alone) and the music.
The videographer.
The photographer.
and a group of 150 men watching.


why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why
why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why
why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why
??????????????????????????????????

Finally, the men started in, and we could stop. Thank the gods.



I am officially a Ma'm, and wished to be addressed as such.

Athena's parents were visiting India for a week, and when they left a couple days ago - she was kind of down. So what do when you feel down in Lucknow?

Go to Barista of course:)

Barista is our little get away from home. They serve 'Italian' Coffee which is actually good (or whatever my new standard for 'good' is). Air conditioning, iced tea, muffins, paneer chili wraps. It is by far my biggest downfall in Lucknow...Im sure I pay their rent.

So, I know this picture is blurry, but we were tickled at my name on the receipt.
You can see for yourself, 2nd line up from the dotted line.

*Customer Name: Mam


Oh, now I get it.












Athena and I went to the mall, and decided to pop into Home Land (aka: a cross between Ikea and Home Depot).

And this is what we saw.
It is all so very clear now.

my so called life.

Typical day in the field:)

I took out my camera, signaled for everyone to be quiet (teachers didn't want complete mayhem - which it totally could have been)....and these kids QUIETLY without speaking got into this formation.

Each time I took a picture, I showed it to them...we could have done this all day.

I have no idea where that kid got his glasses from. He apparently had been waiting for such an opportunity.















































This here is my street and the house I live in on the right. We have the apartment on the top floor, so that there top part is my balcony.

This sweet man was letting his goats have a quick nibble on some tree branches that had been cut and left for the animals on the side of the road. I asked him if it was OK to take a photo, and he agreed by posing proudly next to the herd. He asked me where I was from, and if I spoke hindi, to which I told him 'America' and no I don't speak any hindi. Wait, but i did understand what he was saying - so what exactly does that mean?


I personally like the love goat action. Everyone loves a good healthy goat.























And finally, this is how ngos (NGOs mother) get things done.

Fairy dust.

Work was hosting a meeting at Urvashi's school, teachers and principals were helping us review our content, generating feedback, learning about how to improve....

We adjourned for a break, and i heard some type of electric surge coming from the room. I turned around, and this is what i saw....

Apparently the school staff made good use of the break by fixing a window or two in the room we were using. blow torch. fiery sparks flying about.

muy bien.